Those Feelings From When I Was a Teen

This memory comes from one of our readers who wishes not to be named. Enjoy:

It was early May 2000, I had just finished high school & was in the throws of heartache and loss. I decided to spend my savings on a plane ticket to Europe. I had to leave my hometown, unable to withstand being close to all my accumulated memories and the lingering pain of a lost love. I contacted a good friend with the news, he put me up in his little room & we were destitute. We saved everything we made, trading things for food, then caught a set of wings to Paris in June of that year. Having so much that I wanted to see I left my friend to seek out ancient places, stir real or imagined past lives and kill the pain. By mid July I had parted with some kids I'd met in Venice, having slept in San Marcos square by day, and running the labyrinth of canals and bridges by night. The train departed early, still drunk on loss and wine I slept, waking briefly to scenes of foggy towns on the Czech border. I awoke amidst glorious mountains, the sun articulating every vista and tree. We stopped briefly at an abandoned train stop, wooden & splintered by time, a single sign there read, Frankenstein as my path ascended hillside then mountain. The beauty of the forest set me to plug in my portable speakers. October Rust, the smell of cedar and clean air rushing into the cabin windows. As the sun began to set silhouettes of ancient forests, steeples and mountains slowly crawled by as the sky became red. As though plunging into icy water I was awake and braced by the unimaginable beauty of the music and scenes rolling by with each passing moment. Taking in the vastness of time my thoughts drifted back, guided by Pete's voice and the soaring wall of sound into cathartic feelings of hope and mystery. 

I ended up in Chemnitz, formerly Karlmarxstadt met a girl who took me into her flat on the rainy night I planned to sleep in the station. With her boyfriend and we listened to Type O till sunrise, recalling sweet memories, crossing borders from that little room into the great dark forest from which I had come.

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TY Jonny for your contribution:
Hi, my name is Jonny.  I'm from Los Angeles and have been quite a fan of Pete and Type O since 1993, and like every subscriber to your blog, Pete's music touches a part of me that no other music has ever.  Back when I was 16 years old in 1993, I was a long haired rocker and played bass in a local Thrash Metal band in Hollywood.  We would play various clubs on the Sunset Strip and then they would make us leave immediately after because we were under age.  Once in a while we would sneak back in to watch the other bands play their sets.  One evening I was at a show and a girl came up to me and said, "You know you look like Peter Steele."  (I'm Polish/Russian/Italian and am 6'5" tall).  I asked her who this guy was and she told me about Type O Negaive, so I was curious.  The next morning I went to Wherehouse Music and bought Bloody Kisses.  When I got home and put it on, the music instantly touched me and I listened to the album over and over and over, every time giving me goose bumps.  I related perfectly to the deep and dark sensuality of the music and lyrics and I became a fan instantly.  The album became my most prized possession.  I listened to that music alone in my room, with my girlfriends, at the gym, when I was sad, in the car, at school and I even lost my virginity listening to it, ha!  I was a moody bastard, but no matter what mood I was in, I was always in the mood to listen to Type O Negative.  Being a 16 year old kid and not having a great relationship with my father at the time, I think Pete kinda became a role model to me.  I could relate to him as a bass player who was really left handed but learned how to play right, his outlook on the world as well as to his physicality.  I would read every interview about Pete and Type O I could find and even had the Negative symbol tattooed on my calf.  I saw them every time they came into town for the Bloody Kisses and October Rust tours.  At one show I was at, The House Of Blues in Hollywood for the "World Coming Down" tour in 1999, I pushed my way to the front of the stage, right under Pete.  In the middle of a song, after taking a swig of his bottle of wine, he held it out and handed it down to me.  I took a few swigs and then security came and took it away.  Ha, that made my night.  When I would go out to party at one of the local "metal" clubs/bars, people would come up to me throughout the evening and tell me how I look like Peter Steele.  My friends and I would always joke around and tell them I'm his little brother.  We would always get a good laugh.  Between the way Pete's music has touched me and my admiration of him, Type O had quite an influence on my life

About 13 years have gone by since that show in '99 and I've grow quite a bit.  I cut off my hair years ago, have changed my style with the times, been through school, started my own company, lived in different cities around the world, and have been through many relationships etc.  I'm now 34, live in Beverly Hills where I built my business and have a nice life.  I remember the sadness I felt when I read that Pete had passed.  I sat there in front of my computer for hours with a knot in my stomach trying to make sense of it.  Why?  I felt a mix of sadness and anger to think about all the ideas, feelings and music in his brilliant mind, that he never got a chance to express and record.  Having been caught up in the hustle and bustle of life over these years, I've lost touch with most of the music I grew up listening to, including Type O.

About about a month ago, a client of mine said something to me that sparked a memory of my youth which in turn sparked a memory of Type O which tugged a string inside of me.  I went home, put on Type O Negative and sat there in the dark listening for hours.  Everything came back to me, all the memories, all those feelings from when I was a teenager that Pete's music gave to me.  It was wonderful.  There's a side of me that got buried in these last 13 years underneath all the B.S. in life.  Listening to Pete's music again has dug it up.  I feel re-energized and have this new excitement again for life, like I had in my youth.  I can't really put into words how Type O Negative's music makes me feel, but the subscribers of this blog know exactly what I'm talking about.    

I love reading your blog everyday, please keep sharing.  Pete lives on in all of us!

I came across this radio interview with Pete which I got many laughs from.  I don't know if you have ever heard it. 
Note: This link has been posted before on the blog, but I thank Jonny for offering it again.



  1. Doesn't matter where you go in the world.....you cant escape Peter's music!
    Jonny, I would love to see a photo back when you had your long hair. So telling people you were Peters brother.....did it get you any chicks!!
    Music always reminds me of certain time periods in my life and it has been a constant love ever since I was old enough to know what it was. I think everyone should listen to music all the time it is highly underated as "Sonic Therapy" as Peter calls it. We all still feel that knot in our stomach..I dont think that will ever go. Jonny I am glad you have found your love of music again...dont let it go, it keeps us sane. I cant believe security took the bottle off you...bastards!

  2. Jonny: Thank you! This was extremely touching and I could relate to much of it. I remember being a teenager and having a lot of problems in my life and listening to Type O a lot. I never knew my father; my mother's boyfriend and I had a bad relationship. I left home at 16 and learned to make my way through this world; Peter's music and words helped me threw much of it. His sardonic, self-deprecating humor was something that him and I share. I know that the Family knows how much Pete influenced so many people; I hope that gives you some solace; knowing that your little brother and uncle was such a wonderful guy!

  3. By the way; what an amazing interview with Peter! This is a must listen. It is long, but totally worth it.

  4. Thanks for the blog and all the stories! I love October,but it also makes me sad. I saw the TON concert in Atlanta in 2009. I was excited when I left because I got to see them, but also cause I just knew that I would see them again...
    I just read that roadrunner is going to release a box set Nov 25 (which is my birthday- I'm thinking happy birthday to me from me). Thanks again!

  5. Pete talking about his last days with his dad brought tears to my eyes. My mother had a heart attack this past January and as she fell, she hit her head. She was on life support for months. My sister and I were flown to see her in California (we are in New York) to see if maybe our voices would do something to wake her up or get her better. Three days was all we could spend with her, but no luck. I said what I had to say to her, but I never said goodbye. When she finally passed, I could not bring myself to go to her funeral for many reasons, but mainly because I couldn't bear to say goodbye to her. We had our differences and reconciled over the last 5 years, and I felt it was just unfair. I've been feeling so guilty, but when Pete talked about his father's passing, I felt that at least someone understood my reasons for staying home the day of her services. I know I"m rambling right now, so I'll just say thank you for sharing the link again. I missed it the first time.

  6. Jonny, I totally get where you're coming from. I used to play bass in an assortment of grunge, goth and metal bands. Peter was the one I looked up to for making me consider being a bassist as really cool.

  7. That interview is actually one of the most interesting ones Pete gave. The fact that he has to interrupt the interviewer to put another interviewer on hold shows how busy and yet considerate he was. The part about his being auto- rather than homo- is very funny, and his account of how it was for him when his father passed on was very touching and insightful.

    The anonymously authored story sounds so full of wonderlust and the ability to abandon all one knows to escape one's pain. I sometimes wonder if going on tour had been similar for Pete, another adventure, another quest with little desparate moments, an opportunity to live with reckless abandon.

    Jonny's letter seems very close to the heart for many reasons. I think we were all shocked and saddened when news of Pete's passing hit the wires and airwaves. It seemed so surreal... Glad the music is there to comfort us but I believe the world would've been better off to have had Pete in it a little longer. He was a very influential person with great compassion and motivation. Seems as if his early demise represents a waste of incredible potential. Still can't believe anyone would just stay idle nearby while he... I just can't fathom it that he was not helped at all.

  8. Both memories are beautiful - thank you anonymous reader & Jonny for your contributions. Totally can relate to both stories and emotions described - Jonny a picture of that time would be great telling the girls you are Peter's brother :) Music in general (TON's music especially) is such an important part of my life & it helps a lot in oh so many ways. Thank you for posting the radio interview - I have to listen to it later -
    -Much love & respect-

  9. This is a wonderful post!! Thank you for sharing :)

  10. That is how I felt when I heard he died. It was like a part of my youth had died. I use to see his band at L'Amours in Brooklyn 1990-1991. He played there all the time. I was 16 years old then. He was an awesome presence and I am glad I had seen him so many times at such a small venue. All the metalheads in Queens idolized him and we all listened to his music. My favorite album is still October Rust that album blew me away. There is nothing like it and there is no one like him. I wish I had been brave enough to meet him back in the day. He will always be a part of my life.