Thank You to Tricia Diaz
for putting into words the loss she feels for Peter ...
Even though she never met him ...
even though no one understands how she feels.
This sketch is by "Face In The Sky"
Peter's voice moves me. Still, to this very day, I hear his voice and it hits me in this spot, that brings back all these feelings, experiences. Not painful at all, but refreshing and mysterious, a snippet of where I came from. Almost like a recharge of my batteries.
I hear his voice, and if I close my eyes, I feel like I can breathe it in, like his rumbling voice is right in the middle of my lungs, stomach, heart. Like he is there, still there, somewhere.
Sometimes I feel so sad, thinking about how such a great talent, and beautiful voice, is gone. But I didnt know him... I never saw them live, had never been to a show in the past, but the thought of the missed opportunities hurts. I feel like I shouldn't feel such a loss, I am not his family, friend, I have never known him outside of the music I heard, the articles I read. But I do feel the loss, like I had lost one of my own.
I really wish I could have seen Peter sing once, live. So I could feel his voice in my lungs, stomach and heart again, and just bask in that energy.
.... I am sure it seems really strange, I just feel like I need to share with someone how I miss Peter. I feel telling the people in my life – they wouldn't understand my grief for someone I didn't even know.
Thank you for letting me share.
You're not alone in these feelings.
ReplyDeleteTricia, we all know exactly how you feel. I didnt know Peter personally either but I feel like part of me is gone and I have an emptiness that will never be replaced. I think of Peter all the time and talk about him with my family like he was part of my family.
ReplyDeletePeople dont understand the way we feel especially because we didnt know him. They think we are "groupie fans" and dont realise that our feelings are deep and true. There is something very special about Peter and he has connected with some of us in a way that has changed our lives forever.
I understand.. I feel like that too..hope you got in touch with her and let her know shes not alone theres many all over the world that feel that way..I know I do..would have loved to have gotten to know Peter but dont know if he would have let me or not..think he had trust issues in which Im like that too. I dont trust many and dont let many get too close for fear of getting hurt again. so its understandable..ya just never know with some people. also heard that he didnt like being around alot of people..in which Im also like that. plus Im shy at times..wouldnt know what to do if I actually had met Peter. I know he was a human being like everybody else on this planet but when you have people issues it kind of makes it hard when your around people you dont really know. would have loved to have gotten to know Peter by email first in which I still regret not doing when he was still alive. just to say hi and ask how he was and go on from there...if he wanted to. dont know how he was with that. think he prefered meeting people in person didnt he? think ya really never knew with that..lol..was probably mood depending. in which Im like that too. but I can relate to Peters sisters over there with having a younger brother and the stuff they did that drove ya crazy..lol.
ReplyDeleteanyways ya all arent alone..theres alot that feel the same as you do. just stick to this site and we'll all get through this together even though we dont know each other. I know Peter is greatly missed alot all over the world. with the questions of why and what actually happend. therss been a few including myself that ask..why did he have to go? or why did they take him now? dont know if anytbody knows that really but alot say this world is just not the same since he passed. alot are having a hard time dealing with it..including myself. he was taken way too soon. I hope where ever Peter is that hes happy and in peace. he will be forever loved and missed. our green man, the gentle giant.our
very special
talented,gifted,brilliant,caring,loving,one in a million kind of guy. we love you...always and forever.even though some of us didnt really know you we still love you anyways..you rocked our world and many to their kness.
hope everybody is doing ok over there.
have a good rest of weekend.take care and stay safe.
I feel the same way! My Family and friends don't undestand why I get all quiet and sad at times. Thank you for sharing this. It is nice to know that I am not alone.
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone at all hon. When I heard Peter was gone, I was in agony for months. Searching for a reason, a cause, some bit of information to make me understand this thing that was eating away at me. Like you, I had never met the man, but felt the connection in my soul. It has been a mystery to me because I am not a person who follows blindly or goes crazy over rock stars, not since I was a young girl. No, this connection was something else that I cannot explain to myself much less anyone else. Reading in different places, I soon saw that there are many who feel this way. We are not alone and never will be. I believe we saw a part of ourselves in him, in his pain, in his weakness, in his humility and humor. We understood him. That is all I can come up with on that. He is so very much missed.
ReplyDeleteWell said.... Thank you for sharing. :)
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel. His voice is like a snapshot of a part of my life when I came alive inside. There's an energy source in me that fired up on all eight cylinders the first time I heard Pete sing. I made decisions that needed to be made, I changed my life around so that it was MY life again - all to the soundtrack of his voice. I was lucky enough to see Type O perform live in Nashville, and it was amazing. October Rust is my favorite album, because it really features Pete's voice and all its more subtle beauties. When he whispers, it sends chills down my spine. He's the Green Man. Gods, I miss him!
ReplyDeleteHi Tricia,
ReplyDeleteYour beautiful words brought tears to my eyes.
You are not alone in your grief.
Much love from the Netherlands.
Not at all. I think that's what has brought us all together, this perplexity of WHY? He spoke to our hearts and souls. Plain and simple.
ReplyDeleteStill I miss him.
Write your poetry, create your art, and share the discovery of his music. We carry the torch.x
Wow.. reading the first paragraph of your story gave me chills because I know that feeling you get, very well...
ReplyDeleteIt is a testament to the person Peter was, that people that have never met him or only met him once, could have that bond & love for him. He will forever be.. Unequivocally beautiful inside & out.. without a doubt!
Agreed. Not alone. I am pretty much the loner when it comes to TON in my circle, no one would understand the loss I feel. As his voice sings to me, I keep my smile to myself. He was an amazing man, and a big part of my music life.
ReplyDeleteThere are a lot of us that share those feelings with you, Tricia..It is amazing how he affected so many people in so many ways and how his passing is bringing everyone together...
ReplyDeleteKaren
You are definetly not alone in your feelings Tricia, you take care N know that we all feel Peter's loss N are forever gonna miss his music that could have been, but we love him still N his precious family; his family is tops in my book, for letting us into his N their world. Much love N respect to the Ratajczyk's
ReplyDeleteAmy Wigle
It seems a lot of people, including myself, who never had the luck to breath the same air as Pete,feel exactly this way.
ReplyDeleteI as well feel exactly as you. It does seem sily to feel this way about someone you didnt know. But Peter had such a presence about him. It hit us all hard. My friends/family make fun of me for these thoughts/feelings. Poetry is a great way to get it out. Beautiful writing.
ReplyDeleteTricia, your words are our words, my words! Everytime I hear him I catch my breath. The feelings of awe and joy bloom in me and I smile, even though I know when I hear certain songs tears will come to my eyes. No one around me understands this. When they ask why I have tears I say" don't ask about what you can't understand and what I can't explain" or "if you have to ask you wouldn't understand" But I do and to me Peter's words, his voice, are one of the most moving things to me. They have been since the first time I heard them. I know so many people that enjoy TON but don't feel what I feel but thanks to Darcie and the Ratajczyk family now I do and we are able to celebrate and communicate this! Thank you and Peace always!!
ReplyDeleteThis interview clip has the interviewer asking the band the question: "What do you think would be the most interesting way to die?"
ReplyDeletePeter's response was this:
"How would I want to die? It wouldn't really matter so long as I felt I made a difference in the world."
Well, he did. And the family's blog and this post in particular - and the comments - are a testament to the truth of that.
(interview link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqjUq5gFbAw)
I agree with everyone above. Your words hit a chord in me too. I didn't know him either and I feel him too. I close my eyes too and feel him. Wow, common ground. We all understand that feeling. What an amazing talent, it's like he was sent here from Heaven for just a little while to give us joy to make us feel alive. That fire within all of us he ignited that fire. His words, his voice, his unbelievable beyond the moon good looks. He had it all. He had no fear. He was honest. Now we are left with the memories, the songs, the voice never to be silenced in my life. Peter we miss you beyond the stars and moon. When I get married I too an going to be sure to play Love You to Death. "The beast inside of me is gonna get ya". Passion, brilliant lyrics. We had him for a short time, too short. But he left his mark. Thank you Peter.
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you on the effect his voice had on me. I can't explain it. Whenever I'm feeling really low, I put October Rust or World Coming Down on my sound system. It immediately makes me trip into a creative zone. I somehow know that everything will be okay. I must just carry on, write words, aim for my deadlines.
ReplyDeleteI know how she feels.......i've went to Type o concerts, but never actually met him........i've been listening to there music since Origin of the Feces........and the lyrics have helped me get through so so much........and I thank him and johnny, kenny, and josh so much for it..............
ReplyDeleteAs a very young Type O Negative fan, I can almost relate. I remember that I started getting into the band really quickly, but three days later, I saw fans on Pandora leave comments about his death. Ever since that day, I regret not trying out Type O Negative sooner. To this day, I still cannot listen to some of their songs and feel haunted by Pete's vocals.
ReplyDeleteI still am mourning in a way, and I can't imagine what long-term fans are feeling. But I don't regret trying out this band and learning about Pete in this way. I'm thankful about this because I am now more aware of the reality that not all bands and musicians we love will last forever.
it's cheesy, I know, but it is something I am now accepting.
and thanks for your story, Tricia. It's very heartwarming because it is so relatable.
What I notice about this youtube on Howard Stern is how just before Peter starts to sing, he looks over to Kenny I believe and gives him a sweet sexy smile. That smile will go down in my memory for eternity. At the top of their game, that song was great, they were great. Peter it's like you're still here. Oh My God!! I'm starting to cry again. I feel the sadness once again. That's true love, we love you Peter. We love everything about you and TON. You had it all, we miss you so much. Thank you again family for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI agree with all of you, I did get to meet him and share some of my art with him. I feel truly blessed. He was sweet and gracious, I am feeling all of what you feel, "understood sadly by a chosen few YOU" hugs to you all and thank you Cathy for this blog.
ReplyDeleteOk so I know that Peter was trying to get sober and stay clean, I had been trying the same for a very long time, after his death I was starting to take a good look at my life and I mad the choice to check myself into rehab, but the one thing that kept me going everyday in there was the Type o tattoo I got 2 days before I left, I looked at it everyday as a symbol to stay clean, I still do it to this very day, I'm on day 65 now... I pray to 2 people when I give thanks for another day of sobriety, My father and Peter for giving me the strength to battle through another day... RIP Peter Steele....
ReplyDeleteI know in some songs when Peter hits that low baritone its gives me goosebumps.his music soothed many souls and could relate in others in lifes ups and downs.there was just something about him that was very special.cant really explain it either. could be because he thought of others besides himself and was there when needed no matter what it was. dont really know but whatever it was Im glad I was here to be a part of it.even though I didnt know him I felt like I lost a very special loved one. like a huge part of me died too kind of thing.
ReplyDeleteI know the 4 had great chemistry together..in which will be very missed too.
I think of Peter and his family everyday. god bless the Ratajczyk's for this site.hope they keep it going for awhile longer. and know that were here with open arms too. take care everybody and know that your not alone in this.we all still love and miss Peter very much.specially his family and friends that knew him. I mourn for them also. hope they take good care and stay safe too.
So beautifully expressed! Losing Pete has been deeply painful. The hardest thing for me is listening to tracks that feature the experience of hearing him breathe. Crying in the shower helps, and it's practical, yielding clear sinuses later and no witnesses. Waking from the dreams leaves a calming effect. Family wants to understand but can't and friends are sweet but dismissive, so I just say, "Yeah, it's the weirdest thing..." and let them change the subject. I continue to listen, wishing he hadn't gone, knowing he has. It's been hard on all of us.
ReplyDeleteGlad you're here with us, Tricia. You have a beautiful psyche. Glad you posted this, Darcie.
I agree. Peter was one of a kind. He had a briliant mind and a beautiful heart. If you didn't get what his was saying in his music or what he said in his interviews you really didn't understand him. all of us who have heard his music and truely listened to his word's and truely understand where he's coming from have been made better from them. Peter was heaven sent. I cried on his bithday and I cried on his anniversary, I cry when I think that we will not have any new words from him to listen too when our lives are not going smoothly. but i smile when I think he's sitter there looking down on all of us knowing one day we will be able to hear them again. Thank you so much for letting all of us in and sharing him with us. You are his angels, and I know you're making him proud.
ReplyDeleteDianna Lane Phoenix, AZ
This is about Peter:
ReplyDeletehttp://blog.timesunion.com/marshall/a-lighter-side-of-peter-steele-1962-2010/410/#comment-12141
All I can call it is a "soul connection". We went thru family losses and problems at the same time, thru depression and oppression at the same time. You don't have to personally KNOW somebody to FEEL somebody. I love this man til the day I die. I love his music til the day I die. And I look forward to seeing whose lives he continues to touch. And the new fans that we will hopefully have the opportunity to talk to as well. xo
ReplyDeleteI cried so hard the day he passed. It was almost as bad as the day I lost my father. Peter's music and Type O Negative in general, have been a part of my life since I was a freshman in high school (half my life at this point) and, while I was lucky enough to see them live once, I never met him. His music still has the power to move me and match whatever mood I happen to be in. There is an empty place in my heart since he passed. <3
ReplyDeletewhen im in a bad mood, or upset, it is very comforting for me to watch him perform. Last week I lost 2 pets, and I was very sad, watching fim perform Wolf Moon and Love you to death really helped. I was actually suprised at how much. I knew Peter has really struck a cord with me, but I didnt realize to what extent. You are not alone here :)
ReplyDeleteThanks everybody... thanks to the Ratajczyks for this blog; since its inception, it has been a daily immense help to deal with the grief and intense emotions by providing so many positive stories about the man that most of us consider family in this inexplicable way.
ReplyDeleteThank all of you who are sharing how you feel; I cannot even put into words how reassuring it is to know that we all have been so profoundly touched and continue to be touched by Pete. May you all always have your favorite TON song within in reach to share with the world!
Somehow my comment from yesterday does not appear - so I try it again. Thank you Tricia for putting into words what so many of us feel - I have asked this question myself very often in the past year - the only answer I found is: I know what I feel and I agree with Brigett --> somehow there seems to be a soul connection. I understand your feelings so well - I never was at a TON show or met Peter in person but the feelings the music gives me - well hard to find words - but it's intensive and so touching & through the music of TON I still feel the presence of Peter so strong. And the chemistry between Peter, Josh, Kenny & Johnny was so special - I can hear it, I can feel it - even if it was like in a dysfunctional family ;-) the output is awesome. Tricia, you found so touching words to express this & truly it is amazing how it all brings us together. I am so grateful for this blog to share those feelings and to know that many people feel the same way about it. I am lucky enough to have at least one person in my private circle that feels the same way about it and I was the one that got him into TON music with their album 'Dead again' - what a tragic irony. It's true that not so many people understand and feel TON music like we all here seem to do - so I am grateful that I was lucky enough to discover this music already with their debut 'Slow,deep&hard' and even before with Carnivore but of course the more shame on me that I never took a chance to see a live performance....
ReplyDeleteTo all the caring people in this blog - thank you for sharing your thoughts & to the Ratajczyk family - thank you so much for sharing all this and giving us so many impressions of Peter, truly amazing on how many life's he had an impact. Unmatched in so many ways - oh god we miss you, we really miss you.
Much love & respect
-Sabine-
I to step forward from a legion of saddened and loyal fans that wish to express our heartfelt condolences to Peters family,band mates,for their terrible loss "May God bless,and keep you always,may his love help balm your pain.I happened upon Peters majestic music out here in Arizona by the only station that seemed to play them and was hooked instantly...wearing out many cassettes and replacing them as fast as I could and telling my friends of his greatness...He has composed bar none my most favorite piece of music...his composition "Haunted" the sheer majesty of the piece is beyond words and has helped my as has all his music through the death of my father,and disappearance of a very close friend..I wish to leave this here as my ode to him please forgive the lacking wordsmithing but know its from my heart and that his passing was indeed very sorrowing....
ReplyDeleteThe Friend I Never Knew:
I heard the news today....
I knelt down and pray no do not let it be true....let this be false not what has happened to you..You have passed at the young age of 48 the mighty Mr Steele...The friend I never knew.Your musical talents legendary,your humility,and poise shined through to all that loved you or were but fans your music through adversity,and horrid times did bring us through...I had the privilege but once to see you live and though ill you saw the show through...The world has lost a mighty bard....From one who will forever cherish your music "Thank You",and "Sadly Goodbye" to the friend I never knew...
R.I.P Peter You are missed very much God bless you God bless your family,and band mates your music will forever live in our hearts.
I know exactly how you feel, too. I found TON pretty late- first heard of them when Underworld came out, but didn't really listen to much until one of my sons gave me a copy of October Rust a couple of years ago. It was love at first listen, and I quickly became a fan.
ReplyDeleteWhen I heard that Pete had died, it felt like my heart was crushed. And I'm not usually the type to feel that way about celebrities/musicians/ people I never met. I'm a 47 year old married mom of 5. But Peter Steele was one of those people who just gets inside your soul. I never met him, and never got to see TON play live- only know the songs, the interviews I've seen on YouTube, and the words of his family and friends on this blog.
Earlier today, my 20 year old daughter and I were looking for pictures of Petes tattoos(I'm getting one this weekend, and want it to be a tribute in some way), and came across a written interview with him from when TON was opening for Motley Crue. We laughed SO hard reading some of he things he said. Then my daughter turned to me and said," I think one of the biggest regrets I'll ever have was not seeing them live." All I could say was," I know." My other kids call it an obsession, but it isn't. He was so REAL, so genuinely down to Earth. You don't see that very often in any entertainment industry. He touched so many people, in so many ways, and it IS hard to explain it to people who don't get it(including my husband- he tries,though). I'm having a hard time explaining it to people who DO get it.
I do need to say this, though- to his family. I don't know that I will ever have the pleasure of meeting any of you face to face, but thanks to your openness and honesty on this blog, and sharing all the wonderful stories of what it was like growing up with him, you make us "fans"(for lack of a better word, but really, it goes deeper than that, I think) feel like we are a part of your family, too. And I have to thank you for that.
I'm so glad I read this....that's how I feel. I've loved TON since I was 17, I'm now in my thirties and even now it hasn't sunk in that peter has left us. In truth I felt disgusted with myself to feel such a loss in someone I never met but this article has made it clear to me. Thank you Tricia for sharing this and making it clear. RIP pete
ReplyDeleteI feel this same way. His voice was so damn hypnotic.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe that it's been 6 years since his passing. Unfortunately, I feel the same about never seeing TON, nor having the pleasure of meeting Peter. And in spite of this, I feel a void inside. I just can't imagine the loss people who knew Peter must be feeling. As I have been reading the blog, Pete's sincerity and genuine nature makes my regret resonate more profoundly.
ReplyDeleteAs a fan of TON I am very grateful to Peter and TON for creating such great music, and for you, his loving family, for sharing your intimate memories of him. I cannot express further how I feel right now, but suffice to say I hope that Peter has found his peace wherever he is.
R.I.P Green Man.